The New Springfield Nine

The ball analytics series has helped us answer many questions that competence have seemed unknowable before. We can now magnitude not usually a pitcher’s quickness though also a accurate plane and straight mangle on his pitches, a accurate coordinates of his arm slot, and dozens of other variables. We can calculate a value of catchers who surpass during framing pitches. We can even take a sum of a player’s contributions and find a reasonable guess of his altogether value.

Lovely pursuits, all. But small trivialities subsequent to a many dire ball doubt a star has ever had to face: If Mr. Burns had to re-staff a Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball organisation with a lineup full of present-day players, who should he choose?

To answer a question, we spent hours deliberation a far-reaching array of variables. Like the strange Springfield Nine, this new organisation indispensable to have copiousness of star power. It would take a delicately crafted mix of girl and experience, one that would encourage a agreeable clubhouse. On a devise front, you’d wish energy with a hold of speed, hitters and ace defenders, World Series experience, and a few players inspired to win it all for a initial time. Finally, we wanted a organisation of players who’d mix good into a Simpsons universe, meshing their possess personalities and backstories with those of a show’s characters. Our new lineup indispensable to humour misfortunes that smoke-stack adult to Ken Griffey Jr.’s gigantism, while also relating adult with their possess celebrity quirks.

Here afterwards is a new Springfield Nine, and a calamities that would collaborate to get Lenny, Carl, and a rest behind on a margin for Homer’s climactic plunking in this 2.0 chronicle of events.

Pitcher: Felix Hernandez

Flush with money after signing a seven-year, $175 million contract though fearing a improvement in a high-flying batch market, Hernandez meets with German investors Hans and Fritz. Intrigued by a Germans’ skeleton to buy a Cleveland Browns, Hernandez signs over his whole 2013 salary, usually to learn that Hans and Fritz are personally bankrolling an Uterbraten plant in Dusseldorf. Racked by contrition and shame, Felix abruptly leaves Springfield, earnings to a large leagues, and fires 12 some-more perfect games.

Runner-up: Jose Valverde

Trying to find his approach behind to a Show after all 30 teams unsuccessful to pointer him this offseason, Valverde goes selling for new eyewear. Finding a span of specs in a bonus bin during a Try-N-Save, Valverde drops $9.99 in hopes of improving his vision, ratcheting adult his command, and attracting an meddlesome buyer. Back on a mound, he runs into even some-more difficulty anticipating a picture before realizing a terrible truth: The goggles do nothing.

Catcher: Buster Posey

Shopping for a mode of travel while in city for a large game, Posey decides to splurge for a new car. Unable to find any important dealers in town, Posey stumbles onto Crazy Vaclav’s. He finds a sub-sub-sub compress he likes, pays cash, and drives off a lot. But notwithstanding following Vaclav’s instructions that he put it in “H,” a automobile stalls, withdrawal Posey stranded miles from a track with a diversion about to start.

Runner-up: Yadier Molina

In hunt of proffer work in a community, Molina finds a gig volunteering during a Springfield Retirement Castle. Finding someone peaceful to speak to him for a initial time given wearing an onion on one’s belt was in style, Grampa starts bombarding Molina with long, purposeless stories until both group tumble asleep. When Molina finally wakes up, a diversion is over, and Grampa’s banishment epithets during a St. Louis catcher, given it will be a cold day in ruin before he recognizes Missour-ah.

First Base: Prince Fielder

The Tigers slugger flies in for a game, usually to comprehend he has nowhere to stay. Disco Stu courteously agrees to put Prince adult for as prolonged as he needs. It’s an offer innate of munificence though also a smattering of self-interest: Fielder could make an glorious wingman, and, with a scold guidance, could spin an envoy for Stu’s master devise to chaperon in a new golden age of disco. Fielder’s doubtful during first, revelation Stu he should substantially take it easy with a diversion entrance up. But Stu wears Prince down, persuading him to come out and see Springfield’s best (and only) disco act, Earth, Wind Tire Fire. The night goes uniformly until Fielder, donning a three-sizes-too-small convenience fit that Stu lent him, develops a critical allergic greeting to a polyester, costing a organisation a starting initial baseman.

Runner-up: Joey Votto

The shining Votto joins Springfield’s Mensa group. Caught adult in a fast-paced, glamorous nerd star fostered by Professor Frink, Comic Book Guy, and company, Votto falls into a wormhole of quantum production and Confucianism, abandoning ball to start a hunt for a definition of life that stays unsolved to this day.

Second Base: Brandon Phillips

Hoping to precedence his bubbly celebrity and big Twitter presence into a media career, Phillips starts shadowing newscaster Kent Brockman. Summoned to cover a 50th-anniversary jubilee for Lard Lad Donuts, Brockman invites Phillips along to learn a intricacies of doing a remote broadcast. Tragedy strikes as a hulk steel donut, never entirely refastened after Lard Lad’s cruel Halloween rampage, plummets to a ground, abrasive 4 bystanders. Brockman and Phillips narrowly shun a approach hit, though Phillips breaks his ankle diving out of a approach of a glassy nightmare.

Runner-up: Dustin Pedroia

Seeking to acquire a handheld laser gun to debonair adult his self-proclaimed Laser Show, Pedroia seeks a assistance of Rigel 7’s orneriest brother-sister pair, Kang and Kodos. The preference backfires when Springfield’s oppressed residents rebel opposite a authoritarian duo, withdrawal Pedroia held in a crossfire. Pedroia gets his leg impaled by a bigger house with a bigger spike though avoids critical injury, requiring usually a tetanus shot to heal his wound. Unfortunately, Homer had usually perceived Dr. Hibbert’s final accessible tetanus shot a day earlier, forcing Pedroia to spin to Dr. Nick for help. It does not go well.

Shortstop: Derek Jeter

Shunned by New York’s bachelorette race after handing out one too many present baskets, Jeter loses his certainty with a fairer sex and retreats to Springfield a damaged man. There he finds a consanguine suggestion in Moe, a usually male on Earth lonelier than a sad Captain. Moe teaches Jeter how to cope with being alone, revelation tales of Birthday Fries offers left badly and a Flaming Moe’s happening that dead overnight. The dual leave Springfield to start a holistic vital hospital in North Haverbrook and are never listened from again.

Runner-up: Jimmy Rollins

Rollins joins a Springfield Police Department as a proffer deputy. After he earns a trust of his associate officers, Lou and Eddie entice him to attend in their weekly squirrel-wagering game. Untrained during a art of stuffing squirrels down his pants for a functions of gambling, Rollins is bitten by one of a squirrels, that turns out to be rabid. Although Mr. Burns is primarily tender with Rollins appearing so encouraged to play that he’s seething during a mouth, Springfield’s manager fast realizes this is not indeed a good thing.

Third Base: Adrian Beltre

Beltre’s legendary hatred to carrying his conduct touched becomes such a weight on himself and his teammates that he seeks therapy to scold a problem. After years of counseling, he finally overcomes his fear, usually as Burns invites Beltre to play for Springfield. On a night before a large game, Beltre meets adult with Homer, who invites him to watch Stan “The Boy” Taylor Jr. and a rest of a Springfield Atoms take on their archrivals, a Shelbyville Sharks. In a singular arrangement of generosity, Homer buys a nacho shawl and invites Beltre to wear it. But seconds later, incompetent to control his primal urges, Homer starts frantically pawing during a newly indoctrinated Nacho Man’s head. Just as a cheese starts to leap by a gaping hole in a tip of a hat, Beltre comes unhinged, lunging during Homer and slaying him. Realizing a sobriety of a situation, Beltre flees a scene, never to lapse to Springfield, or have anyone hold his conduct ever again.

Runner-up: Alex Rodriguez

His life and career derailed by injuries and new accusations of PED use, A-Rod decides he contingency determine with a one chairman who understands him best: Madonna. To do so, he enlists a assistance of Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky. Under a rabbi’s tutelage, Rodriguez’s believe of kabbalah grows until it matches that of a Material Girl’s. A-Rod is final seen on Madonna’s star debate in Zurich, behaving as a backup dancer during a energetic delivery of “La Isla Bonita.”

Left Field: Josh Hamilton

Clean, sober, and innate again after years of battling piece abuse, Hamilton happily accepts Burns’s invitation to play for Springfield, earmarking his coming price for several charities. Upon nearing in town, Hamilton heads to church to watch Reverend Lovejoy’s sermon. There, he’s approached by Ned Flanders, who warns that ball is a diversion abundant with sin, finish with steroids, extreme drinking, and Baseball Annies who can cloud even a many righteous man’s judgment. Hamilton kindly interjection Flanders for his concern, afterwards gets adult to leave. As shortly as he stairs outside, Rod and Todd burst him and chuck him in a outpost emblazoned with a aphorism “If this outpost is a’rockin’, it substantially means we’re reading from Deuteronomy.” Hamilton disappears forever.

Runner-up: Ichiro Suzuki

Seeking a new picture for a code of dishwasher detergent, a corner try of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern fires Homer and hires Ichiro to be a new face of Mr. Sparkle. Seeking revenge, Homer invites Ichiro out for sushi, afterwards has Akira offer his new crony a picture of compromised fugu. And that’s a finish of that chapter.

Center Field: Bryce Harper

Reacting to Harper’s famous repartee to an overzealous reporter, Krusty sues a Nationals star for copyright infringement, arguing that a word “Klown Kwestion” is his possess egghead property. Seeking indemnification totaling $100 million, Krusty hires the many cruel counsel in town. With Lionel Hutz no longer around to work on contingency (RIP), Harper decides to urge himself. The box gets tied adult for some-more than a year, forcing Harper to skip a game.

Runner-up: Andrew McCutchen

Aiming to get his trademark dreadlocks camera-ready, McCutchen heads to a internal salon for a touch-up. Finding a nearest dryer, he turns it on, usually to learn that a dial’s been incited to Maximum Marge setting. Already doubtful of even a smallest deviations from normal hairstyles and bathing trends, a regressive Burns bristles during McCutchen’s new 7-foot ’fro and kicks him off a team.

Right Field: Giancarlo Stanton

Afraid he competence follow Jose Reyes’s lead and get traded shortly after shopping a new home in south Florida, Stanton starts looking for genuine estate opportunities in Springfield instead. But when he wanders onto a west side of town, Cookie Kwan mistakes him for a competing genuine estate agent, and assault erupts. Stanton still creates it behind to a diversion in time, starting in right margin and attack 9 home runs while his backup, Homer, gathers splinters on a bench. In a ninth inning, with a measure tied, a bases loaded, and Stanton due up, Burns calls on Homer to pinch-hit. Though both Stanton and Homer are right-handed hitters, Burns cites Homer’s aloft ground-ball rate and Shelbyville’s diseased infield invulnerability as a reason for a switch … proof nonetheless again that he’s the biggest strategist a diversion has ever known.

Thanks to @jonselig for brainstorming these inconceivable scenarios with me. We’ll be behind with genuine ball coverage tomorrow, promise.